All butts are good butts.

I have a fat ass. It’s not even one of those spectacular so-toned-but-so-big-it-defies-gravity butts. It’s just fat. It’s a fat ass that jiggles and seems to expand and contract and lift and drop depending on how I feel about the rest of my body on any particular day.

Unpopular opinion time: I love my fat, jiggly, shapeshifting ass and anyone who doesn’t is invited to kiss it.

I hate it when people complain about their butts. Partly because most of those people have been conditioned to feel bad about their bodies and that makes me sad, and partly because I feel as though butts – particularly flat, fat, lumpy, wide, not photoshopped, normal butts – are severely underrated.

If I were much of an activist, I would be a butt rights activist. I would organize anti butt-shaming protests and start a national Love A Butt day and have a happy fat butt mascot.

If life was like Hackers, Angelina Jolie and I would hack the CBC and have it play one of the Anal Massage videos we have in the store. And then we’d jump, fully clothed, into a pool for no particular reason and maybe she’d let me touch her butt.

... I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore.