ATTN: DUDE WHO CALLED ABOUT PENIS PAIN!

You know when someone insults you and then you think of the perfect comeback, like, twenty minutes later, but it’s too late? I had the good Samaritan version of that just now, with a lovely, if slightly panicked gentleman over the phone.

He was calling to ask about pain he was experiencing in his genitals, and wondered if I had any soothing words of advice or miraculous epiphanies as to what it might be. I told him I’m not a doctor by any stretch of the imagination, but that he should go and see one if he was experiencing any sort of prolonged pain. He then informed me that he was overseas, and didn’t trust any of the doctors in his immediate vicinity to inspect and accurately diagnose his junk.

That left me stumped.

“Humm,” I said. “Go online?”

“I did,” he replied. “It was horribly disconcerting.”

“Googling symptoms is a good way to make yourself paranoid,” I agreed.

We hemmed and hawed for a few moments longer, but I couldn’t really think of much, so I left him with the advice to try not to stress out too much, and see a viable doctor as soon as he had the chance. We were both disappointed, but, not being a doctor myself, it was the best I could come up with.

And then, of course, about 30 seconds after the line went dead, I had my brainchild. Curse our lack of call display.

The Nurse’s Hotline! I know the local number for ours here is 811. I have no idea where this guy was calling from, or what the number would be long distance, but if he could afford to call a sex shop on a long shot that we might be able to help him, I’m sure he could google the BC Nurse’s Hotline and figure out how to call them from the middle of medically-retrograde nowhere.

So, friend, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I let you down! It was the end of my shift! I’m slow on my brain feet at the best of times! But if you read this, figure out how to call the Nurse’s Hotline, and ask them. It’s staffed by medically-trained professionals, who won’t be squicked out by your question, and can give you advice that’s not panic-inducing, like the internet’s, or useless, like mine.

And for all the rest of you; if you’re having a junk-malfunction, DO NOT BE EMBARASSED. Go to a doctor! I promise you they’ve seen weirder and grosser, and it’ll be worth your while if only for the peace of mind. For all I know, this dude on the phone was suffering from no more than a pulled groin.

Hope you feel better, buddy! And for all the rest of you, happy long weekend! Enjoy the rain.