Porn for Pussies

I got 'married' to a boy named Jamie when I was in grade 3 and we stayed 'married' until grade 5 when he left me for Wanda. Those two years were very sexy ones, in spite of us just holding hands once in awhile and kissing only after being wrestled to the ground during kissing tag. I think Wanda went further than kissing, so won his little penis and heart when I was away in Disneyland. Bitch.

It's so fun to remember those 'good old days'. At the How to Have a Great Orgasm seminar last night, all these early sexual and sensual memories came back. How my first sexy dream was always about being inside a machine that was inhabited by a vampire. A conveyor belt and a vampire.

I still rely on my thoughts more than outside stimuli for my 'porn' hit as watching actual people have sex just bugs me. Who are you? is all I'm thinking. Do I care? No. I don't. Unless there's a wicked backstory that splooges those people together, I just couldn't care less to watch actual sex. An animated video we rent is my favorite: forks and spoons getting it on. Hawt.