Re-Writing the Rules Part 2 - Beyond Mutual Orgasm

In “Re-Writing the Rules: Part One” we smashed the idea that sex should always be spontaneous and explored all the fun we can have through planning, scheduling, anticipating, and researching sex. This week we look at another un-written rule of sex that may be holding you back from exploring your full potential without you even being aware of it – the obligatory mutual orgasm.

The Rule: For sex to be “successful” both parties need to orgasm

Here is a fun exercise to try; bend over from the waist and allow your head to hang between your knees for 20 – 30 seconds. Then, very quickly, flick your head back into an upright position. Now try to look directly at the little black dots in the corner of your eyes…tricky isn’t it? For a lot of us, orgasms behave in a similar way to these little sparkly dots; you can only find them when you aren’t looking.

While the idea that both parties should always orgasm seems well meaning, it can actually cause a lot of undue anxiety and stress for people of all genders, in all kinds of relationship dynamics. For many people (not just heterosexual women, as we tend to believe) the harder we try to orgasm, the more impossible it becomes. Now add the pressure of knowing that if you fail to orgasm you have somehow let yourself and your partner down and you can kiss your bliss goodbye. The pressure may even be enough to cause general sexual anxiety, a lower libido, and a reluctance to initiate intimacy all-together; the opposite effect we were all going for with mutual orgasm!

Re-Writing the Rules: Take orgasm off the table completely

A great remedy I suggest to couples and solos trying to combat orgasm anxiety is to take it off the table all-together. This is a deliciously fun and sensual way of getting in touch with your own or your partners body, in a way that encourages explorations, experimentation and pleasure for pleasures sake.

Chat with your partner about what kind of sensations they enjoy – do they like soft, ticklish sensations? Kneading, massage like touch? Or perhaps they prefer the sharp, intense sensations more commonly associated with BDSM? What parts of their body do they enjoy being touched that aren’t genitalia? How much teasing do they enjoy? Would they like to incorporate objects and fabrics for added sensations? The more you find out their likes and desires, the better.

Afterwards, decide on a set amount of time to explore these sensations without orgasm being the objective (anywhere from 15 – 30 minutes works well). For even more fun, FORBID orgasm all-together (humans are rebellious by nature, so don’t be surprised if your partner just can’t help themselves!). Use this time to be playful, experimental and just have fun with it. Swap over at the end of the time, shift into a more conventional sexual dynamic, or simply end the session when the time is up. No one way is “better” and will change for each person all the time depending on the day, mood, and a ton of other factors. It’s more than enough to share intimate time together sharing pleasure and generosity. Happy rule breaking!