Re-Writing The Rules - Spice up your Sex Life TODAY

There are tons of unwritten rules about sex that we never bother to think about. Google image search “sex” and you’ll see that the images are almost all the same; one man and one woman, usually white, having penetrative sex in the missionary position. They are both young and conventionally attractive; either porn stars, or portrayed as in love, romantic and (probably) monogamous. They are in bed; mo toys or accessories clutter the space and  the sex will ‘end’ when the man comes. Sound familiar?

We so often take for granted that sex should look, feel and function a certain way, with only a small amount of wiggle room for deviance. But WHY? Says WHO? And what kind of fun are we missing out on by failing to re-examine these assumptions? In this series, we will explore the unwritten rules that govern our sex lives, and look for fun, creative ways to unleash a new world of sexual potential through bending and breaking them.

Today we will be looking at the rule that states…

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    Sex Should Always Be Spontaneous

How many times have you heard people joking aboutlong term couples who schedule sex? “Come here hunny, it’s Tuesday night! We both know what Tuesday night means…” Such a scenario is met with harsh scorn; the ultimate example of a couple who has failed to maintain the ‘spice’ and ‘spark’ in their sex lives'. Planned sex is mundane, compulsory, and (god-forbid), boring. But why do we understand planned sex as something always inherently unsexy? And is there an alternative to this assumption?

Research shows that people who are about to go on vacation actually derive more pleasure from the planning and anticipation of going away than the vacation itself. Deciding on the spur of the moment to jump on a plane or a train and have an adventure is definitely fun! But so is the delicious pleasure of anticipation, of researching a new land, mulling over all the fun you can and will have once you get there, looking forward to leaving the every day behind even if just for a short time…this is it’s own type of unique pleasure. It fills our everyday lives with the joy and excitement of what’s to come. It also allows us to plan a much more action packed, exciting vacation to a less familiar place, and avoid some of the dangers of going somewhere new. Who is to say that sex isn’t the same?

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    Breaking the Rule: Plan Yourself a Sexual Adventure

Choose a new activity that you’ve enjoyed in the past or have always wanted to try that will require a bit of prep, and schedule it for a few days, weeks, or even months in advanced. If scheduling it to the day feels too regimented, choose a period of time (say, a weekend where you don’t have much else on) where you could successfully play out the scene when the moment feels right. Focus on a new skill or style of intimacy that may require you to research techniques, set up a space, wait for an event, acquire toys and accessories, or a mixture of all of these.

For example, me and my partner recently tried this with ropes. We decided almost a month before trying it that we wanted to experiment with this seemingly simple but highly technical toy – my partner would watch tutorials on You Tube and speak with experts when I wasn’t around. I brought us a few good ropes from The Art of Loving, read books and attended seminars. By the time we were fully prepared and understood the basics of safe technique, we were both dying to get into it! The anticipation and knowledge that we had something new and special coming up infused our every day lives with a delicious sexual tension, and all the sex we had in the weeks leading up to it was electric.

It doesn’t have to be a kink activity to have the same effect, however. Perhaps you would prefer looking forward to a night where you completely pamper your partner with massage, candles, and slow, steamy sex? Perhaps you want to try a new toy and are waiting with quivering anticipation for it to arrive in the mail? Whatever floats your boat, relish the delayed satisfaction! Count down the days! Talk about it with your partner/s, kink community or trusted friends to build up the excitement! Far from being stale and chore-like, planning intimacy can be a truly revolutionary, hot, steamy, sexy act.

You can check out a huge range of sex seminars at The Art of Loving, your local Vancouver sex toy store, to hone new techniques and build up the excitement for your next sexual adventure. View our calendar here.