The Swallowing Solution

I’ll admit it: I don’t really like to swallow.  

I’m sorry, okay? I’ve sat in on the Suck It Like A Porn Star seminar – I get that Daniel Packard thinks that all good partners to men are obligated to swallow, like it or not, lest they irreparably damage their man’s ego by rejecting the evidence of their all-important manhood. But I’ve had too many bad experiences. You know the type: In good faith, full of youthful optimism and eager anticipation, I will go down… only to have my mouth filled with a sticky fluid that tastes like a concentration of cigarette butts, rancid soymilk, and piss. And spitting is considered impolite.

And admittedly, not ALL loads I’ve swallowed have tasted THAT bad. But the ones that have been are what make me significantly gun-shy when it comes to letting my partner come in my mouth. We have an unspoken understanding that if we want that to happen, it’s gonna happen with a condom, or when it’s time for him to come he’s going to pull out of my mouth and come somewhere that doesn’t have tastebuds.

More recently, though, my beau was inspired by the latest Savage Love column and wondered aloud what it would be like to taste his own genetic material.

“Let’s find out,” I said. 

Half an hour later, with a horrified cry of "EEEEUUUGH!", my beau was rushing to the bathroom to wash his tongue off with toothpaste.

I tried not to laugh. I am a compassionate person, and it’s not like I couldn’t sympathize. “Not so tasty?” I ventured.  

My beau returned to the bedroom, armed with a towel and looking sheepish.

“I’ve never tasted anything like it!” He said. “I’m pretty sure it’s poison.”

“Well, at least that means we don’t have to worry too much about me getting pregnant.”

I told him about Daniel Packard’s theory that a woman not swallowing her man’s come is like a man stepping on his newborn child.

“I bet Packard’s never tasted his own jizz,” my beau scoffed. “I bet if most men had to taste their own stuff, swallowing would be less of a thing.”

Indeed.