So, Who's Topping?
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About who’s topping…
Have you ever experienced awkwardness when asking for what you want? Maybe you usually top but would like to bottom today, or maybe you’re a sub interesting in being the one domineering tonight. The best way to figure it out is to talk about it, but sometimes words are hard to get out. Let’s explore how to bring it up without it feeling like you’re ripping your tongue out.
Talk About it First
Regardless of what is happening, set your boundaries first. Things you like, things you don’t like, things that are just eh. Some peoples’ boundaries are the same regardless of their mood. “Don’t choke me,” or an established safe word. Some peoples’ boundaries might change depending on the mood. Best practice is to ask your partner if you’re unsure. It might feel awkward, but everyone will be happier and safer when you ask, “hey, remind me of your boundaries about [BLANK]?” It’s way better than getting [BLANKED] by surprise.
Write it down
If you have a hard time verbalizing, consider whether you trust your partner. Are you unable to say what you want because you are shy? Or are you quiet because you don’t want to make it “weird?” If you’re worried about “weirding” someone out, they might not want to be the person you should explore sex with. Sex and kink are about trust, and if you can’t trust someone with your needs and wants, reconsider who you’re with.
If you are just shy about asking for things you might find it easier to write it down. Your thoughts are still your thoughts but sometimes I find it easier for things to come out when I put it on paper first. I can read it and decide on whether I want to send it into the abyss forever or share with someone. You can read off your paper or direct it to your trusted partner.
Use a coin
If every party involved is has agreed to this, have a “sex coin” around. It can just be a nice coin you like; some stores carry “sex” specific ones. We have a couple free ones to give out if you buy something from us (limited quantity, first come first serve). If you’re having trouble deciding on who is where doing what, flip the coin and let fate choose for you. If you would like to top or bottom, leave the side you want up on a pillowcase to indicate what you’re feeling. Heads being top and tails being bottom, naturally.
What if they/I say no?
While no one likes rejection, saying no is a healthy and mature response. “No, sorry I am not turned on by that” or just “no sorry” shows the ability to take care of oneself. Never say yes to something you don’t want to do. “That’s okay, thank you for telling me” is a good response if you’ve been rejected. If the answer is an enthusiastic “yes,” you’re good to go. If it’s a “meh,” give them time to think about it and talk another time. Don’t be that person that doesn’t take no for an answer. And if you’re midway through something and have a change of mind, you are entitled to say, “hey sorry can we stop?”
Sometimes we must do things that make us feel uncomfortable, but it’s better for it to be awkward now than have an experience that cannot be taken back.
Please take care of yourself!
Peace and Love.