What It Means to Be a 'Brat' in BDSM
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The terms means something completely different in BDSM than in real life.
If someone called you a brat in real life, fully deadpan, that would be patronizing and offensive. Yet, when it comes to kink, being called a brat can be freakin’ hot—desirable, even.
One of the things that makes BDSM play so much fun is the ability to take on roles or personalities that might be opposite or exaggerated versions of who you are in real life. These roles are played out within a power-exchange context, wherein the Dominant is the master over the submissive.
What makes this power exchange so appealing? Maybe you work hard all day as a doctor, so when it comes to sex, you just want to be told what to do for once. Or maybe you’re used to having a hard-to-please boss who tells you what to do all day, so when you’re engaging in BDSM, you like to be stripped down naked and humiliated with a paddle emblazoned with the word “slut” on it. BDSM is exceptionally versatile; while the roles you can play are endless, the sub (almost) always submits to the Dom. Well, at least in theory. The role of the "brat" turns this power exchange on its head.
A brat is a disobedient sub. They're naughty, not going to listen, and ready to push your buttons. So, why are people into being brats during BDSM play? Let’s explore.
What is a brat, and how does the role work in BDSM?
A brat is a consensual role the submissive takes on because they enjoy being a little bit of an as*hole to their dominant partner, (also stylized as Dom, with a capital D), which of course can lead to some consensual punishment, such as a spanking. *wink wink*
“A brat is a submissive who loves to playfully push buttons and ‘break’ rules. They behave this way to deliberately provoke attention from their Dominant,” says Charyn Pfeuffer, sex and relationships writer. It’s less about being a complete jerk; it’s more playful. “Think sassy and mischievous, versus straight-up disobedient,” Pfeuffer adds.
Brats love “poking the bear,” or provoking their Dom. Taylor Sparks, an erotic educator, says a brat might purposely burn something in the oven as a way to get a response: "Yes, I burned your bread...so what are you going to do about it?” she offers as an example.
While being a brat is one role in the umbrella category of “submissive,” you don’t need to be a brat to be a submissive.
A few other types of consensual submissives:
Masochist: Someone who enjoys having pain inflicted on them.
Baby girl/baby boy: Usually enjoys being treated gently and with care. This is part of a Daddy/Mommy Dom/sub dynamic.
Good girl/Good boy: A submissive who gets off on pleasing their sub and following orders (essentially the exact opposite of a brat).
Slave: A submissive who is the servant to their Dom. This dynamic can include sex, but it doesn’t have to be sexual. Some consensual slaves enjoy being completely at the disposal of their Dom, with no sex involved.
What is a brat tamer?
The "tamer" is the role the Dom takes on with their brat. There are many ways to play that role: Maybe you’re a mean teacher, a cranky boss, or a fed-up Daddy. Or maybe you’re just a straight up Dom who tames their brat, without any frills—there is no end to the possibilities.
The brat tamer's job is to bring the sub into submission. This means dolling out consensual punishments for bad behavior. This might include restraints, spankings, impact play, and so much more.
An important aspect of the brat tamer's job is earning the brat's respect. This means the Dom must have the ability to maintain composure and stay in their roll when the brat misbehaves. This can be a challenge because the behavior has the potential to leave a Dom flustered. Confidence in your role as a brat tamer is key.
Of course, if you know you enjoy the brat/brat-tamer dynamic, the bratty behavior probably won't upset you in a “real” way. After all, everything in BDSM is negotiated and must be consensual. Being a brat tamer “isn’t about controlling your partner or being resentful of their bratty tendencies, but recognizing the playfulness of the dynamic and finding mutual pleasure in an erotic tug of war,” says Lorrae Bradbury, a sex coach.
How to be a brat:
It’s important to note once again that all "acting out" and "taming" between a Dom and sub is consensual, and that everyone must understand the agreed-upon boundaries.
The brat acts out in a way that is a fit for the dynamic with their tamer. “A brat knows exactly how to get under their Dominant’s skin,” says Pfeuffer. “They could talk back, ignore commands, or even start a physical altercation.”
Oh, but there’s more. A brat may also use certain language to try and minimize or degrade their Dominant partner. This can look like calling them names or teasing them in other ways. When the brat acts out, the brat tamer responds, giving out punishments that both parties have agreed to beforehand. In the end: It’s all fun and games. Everyone is 100% onboard with this play.
Some other ways brats may act out:
1. Bothering them while they’re engaged in another task.
2. Harassing their Dom in order to get something that they want (such as punishment).
3. Speak when they’re told by their dominant to remain quiet.
4. Purposefully not do what they’ve been asked to do, such as have dinner prepared at a certain time.
5. Create messes or otherwise cause havoc around the house or space.
6. Do the exact opposite of what they’ve been told to do during a sexy scene.
Try these bratty tips for beginners:
1) Do your research
Before you do anything, read everything you can on brat dynamics and safe and consensual BDSM. These scenes need to carried out with great care. We offer seminars here at the Art of Loving!
2) Tell your partner why it turns you on.
“For brats, it’s often important to explain the philosophy behind being bratty, and explore how brattiness is playful fun rather than intentionally disruptive, to familiarize the partner with the concepts,” Bradbury says.
3) Be authentic.
Bradbury points out that being a “brat” is usually something that comes naturally. “Being a brat is often more of a personality trait than a type of [BDSM] play activity, so it’s important to show up as your authentic self during play and navigating new connections, to find partners who are more naturally aligned to play with your desires and personality,” she explains. This means that doing bratty, cheeky things should feel natural to you, and in the same vein, a tamer should feel inclined and turned on by taking on this role.
4) You don’t need a whole choreographed scene to be a brat.
One of the fun parts of being a brat is that it’s super accessible to anyone. Start by talking through the brat fantasy and what it actually looks like for you. Once you get clear on how you want the dynamic to play out, suggest giving it a go in everyday life. For instance, if you’re supposed to do the dishes after dinner, refuse to do them—with the agreed-upon knowledge that your partner will punish you. Flirting with these dynamics can be a fun and simple way to figure out if they’re right for you.
5) Play up your brattiness.
When you’re first starting out, being really clear that this is part of the “game” can be very helpful. Try speaking in a high, altered voice. Get all up in the role and channel your inner brat. Don’t be afraid to experiment. It can feel a bit strange at first, but if the brat dynamic is your jam, it’ll be oh-so-fun to try.
6) Don’t forget to check in and communicate.
Since this dynamic hinges on pushing and playing with “limits,” Play says that communication in a brat/brat-tamer dynamic is really important. Everyone should feel safe within the erotic game. This communication and care applies to both the brat and the brat tamer. Every person deserves to feel safe, seen, heard, and taken care of throughout a scene.
7) Make a plan for aftercare.
Aftercare is the set of activities that take place after a BDSM scene (or any sex session) to make sure all participants feel safe and cared for. This will look unique to everyone, based on people's individual needs. Aftercare may look like cuddling, kissing, taking a shower, having a cup of tea together, talking, or something else!
Written by: Gigi Engle on Men's Health