A Healing Masturbation Practice
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We become what we practice regularly. What lies dormant and unattended to stays that way. Sex and desire need care and feeding and regular attention. Make time for yourself sexually, if you choose. The pay-off greatly outweighs the investment.
In this article, Staci Haines, who has been educating in the area of sex education and somatic healing for individual and systemic trauma, for over 15 years, provides information on a
Masturbation and Healing
I’d like to celebrate one of the many wonderful ways masturbation contributes to our lives: healing. Far from a dirty little secret, masturbation is a great ally in healing your body, your psyche, and your pleasure.
Most people I talk to about sex care about some very fundamental things. They care about getting to express themselves sexually in ways that feel real and satisfying to them. They care about being close to and intimate with the people they love. They care about being able to trust their partners and have sexual choices. But if a person does not have a positive relationship with their body, what can be most important is finding that.
People do not want the hurt and betrayals of their pasts to run their intimate lives today, sexually or romantically. Long-term relationships are greatly enriched, and often fundamentally driven, by a wonderful sex life together. What, then, does masturbation have to do with intimacy — something that we think of as having to do with partnered sex?
Lots of us come to partnered sex with a very uncertain relationship to our own bodies, pleasure, and sexuality. Too often we assume that the right relationship will take care of our struggles around sex or (dis)trust. And to some extent a relationship can help us work through those struggles.
But the only person we have a lifelong sexual relationship with is ourselves. We bring this relationship with ourselves to all of our other sexual relationships. It becomes the template for sex and intimacy with everybody else. Getting to know yourself sexually and having a positive relationship with your pleasure are fundamental to whatever kind of sex and intimacy you want with others. Masturbation is the way to get there.
One of the great things about masturbation is that it allows you time away from the complications of partner sex. You do not having to pay attention to someone else’s responses or pleasure. Being sexual with yourself gives you the room to check out your own body and responses. It lets you discover what feels good, what feels bad and where you need to attend to your own sexuality. Your only real job in being sexual with yourself is to feel, listen and learn.
There are lots of types of masturbation. A three-minute vibrator job, the bathroom break, or a six-hour session of self-pampering. Masturbation can be used to relax or release frustration. Masturbation can be filled with fantasies that take you away to engaging places.
The masturbation I want to suggest is self-pleasuring less focused on orgasm, and more on discovering a positive relationship with your own sexuality and intimacy. If you’re already masturbating in other ways, there’s no need to stop; rather, I would suggest adding a type of masturbation that assists you in building a lasting relationship with yourself.
When was the last time you spent a couple of hours with yourself being sexual? Most of us can’t remember the last time — or we never have. We aren’t usually taught to spend a lot of time with ourselves sexually. It’s not very common to have someone call in sick to work and say “Sorry, I can’t come in today — I am taking a quality day of self pleasuring!”
Mostly, to have a healthy and sustaining relationship with your own sexuality, body and psyche, you’ve got to work for it. It takes spending time with yourself as well as being willing to feel a wide variety of emotions and sensations.
Masturbation, just like sex, can take us through sadness, to uncertainty, to pleasure and trust and back again. Your upbringing and beliefs about sex and intimacy will arise during masturbation if you slow down and listen to yourself like you would a new love interest. Be curious about what shows up in your mind and body when you get present to listen.
A Healing Masturbation
Take one hour of your time and set it aside for you, your sex and your body. Set up a beautiful space that is inviting to you. You may want to set it up with a spiritual flavor or a sexy flare. Bring any lube and toys you may want, along with a mirror and a towel.
The intention in a healing masturbation is to be present with yourself and your body. This is an opportunity for you to be curious about you. The aim is not orgasm, but to discover.
Touch your whole body. Try touching softly and firmly. Use smooth strokes all the way to slaps or pinches. While you are touching yourself, breathe. Breathe from your pelvis all the way up to your chest and heart. Connect your genitals to your heart. Move your body, especially your pelvis.
Allow sensation to spread up and down your body. Rather than going for the orgasm, let the eroticism build. If emotions arise like sadness, anger or fear, feel them as sensations in your body and let them be there, coming forward and expressing themselves through you. Practice being present and curious about yourself.
Lastly, notice and orient yourself toward pleasure and trust. What gives you this experience erotically?
This may be an incredibly erotic hour of play, or an hour of tears and self-comforting. Either way, you will finish your healing masturbation with a deeper experience of you, your sex, and your body. You will have spent quality time on the foundation of your sexual relationships — yourself.
This article is from "Steps to Healing Sexually by Staci Haines" as featured on orgasmicyoga.com