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Welcome back to Between the Sheets! This week I’m sad to say that I only have two stories for you. I wish I had more but I don’t. The thing is, I hear a lot of fantastically funny sex stories from customers who come in to the store, from my friends, and my coworkers, BUT I can’t publish those stories on here unless they are sent to me via email, because that would be a breach of privacy.

So the result is that you, the readers, miss out on some great laughs. I do however have a solution to this problem, and it’s simple really, all I need is for you, the reader, to take a few minutes and think about the funniest, time you had sex or saw someone else having sex. Then go to your email, type the story out, and send it to [email protected] Your story doesn’t have to be well written, or perfectly punctuated, just funny and genuine. So now that we’ve gotten the business out of the way, let’s move on to the funny stuff.

Submitted by: Anonymous

Had a one nighter with a guy who INSISTED on not only cooking but also eating breakfast with me and my co-ed housemates while completely bare ass naked. It was…awkward.

Submitted by: Peeping Tomatina

When I first started dating my boyfriend he lived in a basement suite. To get to his place you had to walk to the backyard via the path that ran between his house and the one next door. The first few times I followed him down that path I noticed him looking in the basement window of the house next door. Thinking that he was perving on some chick I asked him WTF and he just laughed and said he was looking for the “bed humper”. I asked him what that meant and he just said that one day I would see for myself.

Not too long after that conversation that fateful day did come. We were walking down the side of the house when my BF suddenly stopped right next to the other house’s downstairs window. He motioned for me to stop and be quiet. I crept up next to him and beheld a sight which I shall never forget as it is burned vividly into my memory.

There in the room, beyond the window, was a bed. On the bed was a balled up bundle of blankets, which were being humped vigorously by a young pasty white guy with skinny legs, who was naked from the waist down. And when I say “vigorously” I mean that he was really going to town on those blankets. The speed and force with which he was going at those blankets was truly a thing to behold and was even punctuated by the occasional, semi audible, grunt. To top it off, as if the heavens were trying to ensure that we took in every detail of that bewildering display, the entire scene was bathed in a seriously unflattering, bluish fluorescent glow that was emanating from the ceiling light which, for whatever reason, had been left on. Fortunately the guy’s back was turned to us so he couldn’t see the two slack jawed yokels gawking at him through the window.

My BF and I stood there watching him for what seemed like several minutes. Finally I peeled my eyes away and turned them toward my BF, who just shrugged in the direction of the window and said, “See, bed humper”.