Pleasure is the Measure

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Pleasure is the Measure

Emily Nagoski, award-winning author of the New York Times bestseller, Come As You Are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life, writes in this article, "there was one scientific idea I taught that people told me, over and over, everywhere I went, had changed their lives and made them feel for the first time in years — in some cases for the first time ever — that they are normal.
That idea is responsive desire."

Pleasure comes first. Then desire. It’s called responsive desire, and it’s healthy and normal.


But it’s not what we were taught is “normal.” Most of us were taught the standard (but wrong) cultural narrative of sexual functioning.


"Spontaneous desire is the standard model, and it can be healthy and normal. Responsive desire is another healthy, normal way that people experience sexual desire. Instead of emerging in anticipation of sexual pleasure, like spontaneous desire, responsive desire emerges in response to sexual pleasure.


But it’s the fun — not the desire — that matters. Wanting sex is not the central feature of sexual wellbeing. The central feature of sexual wellbeing is: Liking the sex you have.


Let me make the rhyme for you, so you’ll remember and tell your friends:

Pleasure is the measure.


Of sexual wellbeing, I mean. Pleasure. Not how much you want sex, not how much sex you have, or with whom, or what you do, or where or how often. The key to assessing your own sexual wellbeing is not how much you want sex, but how much you like the sex you are having.


Pleasure is the measure."


To learn more about pleasure is the measure and responsive desire, click for the full article by Emily Nagoski here