What Is Orgasm Denial? Here Are Five Expert-Approved Ways to Try It For Yourself.
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It’s all about the power play, baby.
Your hands are tied behind your back. Your partner is standing over you. They’ve placed a toy between your legs. You’re getting very close to orgasm. And then, they take it away. “Good girl,” they say. The scene ends without a climax—and it’s all by design. Don’t worry, you loved every second of it. Hello and welcome to the wonderfully torturous world of orgasm denial.
This kind of D/s power play centers on a Dom denying their submissive partner their orgasm. That’s right, we’re talking intense stimulation with no grand finale, folks.
And yes, we know what you might be thinking: Um, why the hell would anyone want that? Well, because it’s freakin’ hot—or can be, anyway, for those that are into it (and best believe people are very into it, indeed). “Denying orgasm can be a profound way to build tension, make sex last longer, create and prolong desire, and so much more,” says Moushumi Ghose, MFT, a licensed sex therapist. Not to mention, this kind of power exchange can be deeply erotic, trust.
Intrigued? Look no further. We have all the information you need on orgasm denial and how to do it (and enjoy it) right this way.
What Is Female Orgasm Denial?
Okay, so you’ve probably already figured out that orgasm denial is when, ahem, your partner denies you—or you themselves—an orgasm. While this play can, of course, be done with any person of any gender, female orgasm denial specifically applies to women/AFAB submissives.
It’s a type of kink play in which the dominant partner arouses and/or stimulates the submissive partner to the very brink of orgasm, only to take it away at the last minute—all with enthusiastic consent, ofc. “You are literally denying them their orgasm, and when done right it can be exquisite,” says clinical sexologist Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach.
This play can also be practiced entirely solo, when you stimulate yourself to the point of near-orgasm and then deny yourself the climax. The idea is to build up tension over a prolonged period of time. This can, theoretically, lead to stronger and more intense orgasms when you finally give in.
How Is Orgasm Denial Different From Edging?
Edging is a technique that hinges on the ability to arouse a partner up to the point of no return and then shutting down the simulation, only to repeat the process. “The goal of edging is to bring oneself or a partner to the brink of orgasm, or the ‘edge,’ and then pause or decrease stimulation just before reaching climax,” explains kink educator Emerson Karsh,
The main difference lies in intention and outcome. During edging, you know you’re going to get off at some point. Your partner may be teasing the hell out of you, but you do know that when all is said and done (and you’re begging for it, probably), you’ll get to climax. In orgasm denial, however, you don’t get to come at all.
“While it may seem cruel, [it] is done with consent and actually can build longing and connection, intimacy, trust, excitement and more—when done safely and between consenting partners,” says Ghose.
Karsh adds that there can also be a difference in stimulation vs. no stimulation. With edging, you’re being stimulated to the brink of orgasm, only to have that stimulation stopped. In orgasm denial, there may be no (physical) stimulation at all. Karsh gives the example of chastity play, in which one partner may be arousing the other but withholding their ability to do anything about it in the form of physical touch. This isn’t always how orgasm denial plays out, but it’s definitely an option.
TL;DR: Edging and orgasm denial are similar, but have some key differences—mainly in that edging is meant to end in an eventual orgasm, while orgasm denial is, well, not. Brutal? Yes. Delicious? Also yes.
Why Are People Into It?
Folks may be into this kind of play for a whole host of reasons, but the main draws seem to be:
- Power exchange
- Increased pleasure, arousal, and intensity of eventual orgasms
- Enhanced intimacy between partners
Orgasm denial is a pretty easy way to play with power exchange. There isn’t a lot of equipment required and the rules are quite straightforward, as is the power dynamic at play. Basically, it can be hot to be told when to come, says Karsh. Think about it, handing your orgasm over to someone else is a pretty pure form of submission. “The ‘denial’ part of orgasm denial lends itself very well to a power-exchange relationship or scene where the dominant is in control,” Karsh says.
On a physical level, Ghose says that the tension built up through orgasm denial is linked to more profound, full-body orgasmic experiences. “People may experience more desire, stronger lubrication, more hunger and passion, and more intense orgasms—when orgasms do happen,” she explains.
And because this kind of play requires huge levels of trust and care, engaging with it can strengthen the interpersonal bond between Dom and sub. “It can deepen trust and intimacy, build up sexual tension, [and] enhance your pleasure,” Rowett says.
5 Expert-Approved Ways to Try Orgasm Denial
1. Take a Class
Educating yourself is a fantastic first step in getting acquainted with orgasm denial. “Taking workshops at your local dungeon, if you are in a big city, is a great place to start,” Ghose suggests. “...a basic BDSM 101 class can do wonders for this journey.”
2. Try It on Your Own First to Get the Hang of It
With nearly all new sex things, trying it on your own first can be a great way to safely explore within your comfort zone, establish your boundaries, and figure out how your body responds. To give orgasm denial a solo spin, try using your hands or a toy. Bring yourself right to the point of orgasm, and then stop. “Savor the pleasurable sensations, take some deep belly breaths, and enjoy the delicious agony of wanting so badly to come but you can't,” Rowett says. Then, go about your day.
Does that sound hard? That’s because it is! Hence the need to practice. Rowett says that trying edging first can actually make this a whole lot easier. That way, you get to start by experiencing the build up, without having to fully deny yourself the orgasm.
Baby steps, and all that.
3. Go Slowly
This isn’t a rush job, folks. It will take some time and patience to get this down pat. “Learning how to harness or control your orgasm can pose a challenge for some, so it’s important to go slow and learn how your body reacts,” Karsh says. Take your time, breathe deep, and let things happen the way they happen.
4. Set Boundaries Before You Get Busy
Communication and consent are absolutely essential before engaging in kink. Have a clear and open conversation about how you want the scene to look, set your safe words, and be willing to check in throughout. “Decide before sex if you want to let yourself come or not, because when you are super horny, you will inevitably want to,” says Rowett. Making those intentions clear from the jump will make it easier to stick to the plan when you’re in the throes of almost-orgasm.
5. Have an Aftercare Plan in Place
Aftercare is the set of post-play activities that help you recalibrate after an intense D/s scene (though we’d argue aftercare should follow all forms of sex). Rowett says that since orgasm denial can bring up some pretty intense emotions, it’s important to take time to cuddle, have water, and talk through the play post-scene. This allows you to reconnect with your partner(s) and let the whirlwind of feel-good brain chemicals settle in a comfortable way.
While it may sound like torture (and it is—delicious torture), orgasm denial can be such a fun way to explore more intense sex, power exchange, and your capacity for pleasure. Who knew not coming could be so…satisfying?
Written by: Gigi Engle on Cosmopolitan