Working Consent Into Your Dirty Talk
- Posted on
- By L
Nothing kills the mood more than breaking kayfabe when you’re making sure you and your partner are on the same page.
Okay okay- just as a disclaimer, obviously if you suspect your partner is genuinely distressed or having a problem, there’s nothing wrong with breaking kayfabe and in fact that’s probably the correct course of action. The last thing you’d want if you were freaking out is for your partner to try to comfort you in-character as the version of themself that’s having sex.
But! For all other times, there are plenty of ways to work your check-ins into your dirty talk. If we do our job right, you will never ever have to say the word “consent” out loud when obtaining it. Consent is deeply, fundamentally important for sex and sex-related activity, but the term “consent” exists removed from it’s actual application. This is an academic term for all intents and purposes, which is not very sexy to hear when you’ve got your tongue in someone else’s mouth (unless of course you’re into bringing academia into the bedroom, in which case more power to you). But typically, bringing in dry jargon does not make for a steamy time. Imagine if every time you ordered at a restaurant you had to say the dish’s name in Latin- you’d still have a nice time eating the dish but you’d probably be thinking about how awkward and uncomfortable it was when you had to stumble through all those Latin vowel sounds first. Here today we’re gonna cover some ways you can still order the dish without speaking the Latin.
Second disclaimer! A lot of this specific advice is going to come from the point of view of the dominant party in the exchange. Why? Well… part of it is that it’s the one I have the most experience in. AND as the person who is frequently guiding/escalating the scene, you will often find yourself in the position of introducing new things/intensifying things more than your submissive counterpart, therefore you will likely find yourself in the position where one might want to check in before proceeding a little bit more frequently. That being said, just because you are taking on the dominant role in the encounter does not mean you’ll never need check-ins. If you are having sex, and you are assuming the submissive role, and you see your dom seeming a little out of it or unsure, do not hesitate to check in.
REMIND THEM YOU WANT THEM
The first tip is to change the question to an “I want” statement. This might feel counterproductive, but a statement is just as easy to pause at/refuse as a question is. I’m going to assume that all involved parties are not being coerced or pressured, because like… that’s not consent. So, in a situation where you might want to undress someone, instead of asking “Can I take your shirt off?” you might instead want to simply say “I’m want to take your shirt off.” It’s a simple change, but just as effective. You keep all parties informed of the intended action, you give a verbal warning before you partake in the action, you reaffirm your attraction and desire for the other person by framing it as a want (as well as reaffirm your continued consent and enjoyment), and give ample time for your partner to go “No, wait” or any similar dissentions. You’re still asking an implicit question, and they’re still reaffirming their want to continue engaging. Where this differs from asking it in question form is that it does not require them to stop and respond verbally. They will respond, whether its with a nod or a word or a physical response, but they aren’t required to break the flow in order to speak if they don’t want to. Silence is not consent, obviously, but if you’ve already obtained consent to having sex in the first place, continually asking for every little thing can take a lot of people out of the moment. So instead, giving people opportunities to stop or slow things at points of acceleration, but not forcing them to stop the momentum can be nice. Consent is continuous and not a blanket statement. Even if someone consents earlier, it can be revoked at any time. You must look for signs that someone isn’t enthusiastically consenting to what’s happening, even if they’re not actively resisting. Freezing up, looking preoccupied or uncomfortable, and appearing unresponsive or disengaged are all cues for you to check in with them and ask if they’re okay.
SWAP THE WORDS
In moments where the previous technique is inapplicable, the best way to ask a question to check in is by rephrasing it as dirty talk. For example, where you might want the answer to a question like “Do I have your consent to start touching your genitals?” you might instead want to simply ask “Do you want it?” while gesturing or making a small/slight move towards the intended area.
In a similar vein, if you’re trying to assess whether your partner is enjoying something, instead of saying “Is that okay?” or something similar, you might instead want to opt for “You like that?” or “Does that feel good?” instead. You’re still asking the same question, just phrasing it in a way where their agreement will go with the mood, and their dissent will be easy to adjust around/pivot from. Another easy swap is when you’re doing something and you might be wondering something like “Would you like me to continue doing this?” You can instead opt for something like “You want more?” or even just “More?”
FLIP THE QUESTION
A fun way to make sure your partner in fact wants all the things that are happening to them is to make them ask for it as part of the sexual encounter. If as part of the dynamic you’re making them ask you to touch them, then you never have to worry about how much they want it, because they will in fact tell you. This can be really sexy, and is a good way to not only force someone to be honest and upfront about what they want, but also as a litmus test for what they’re only kind of on the fence about. If they don’t want it bad enough to beg for it, then you end up avoiding it entirely.
ANYWAY
Whenever you’re not sure how someone feels, it’s best to be safe and ask them straight up – even if you’re in the middle of sex. By showing kindness, patience, and practicing communication, you can create a safe environment for you and your sexual partners to explore and be open about sex.
Because regardless of dirty talk, there’s one thing that kills the mood more than anything else and it’s crossed boundaries. Stay safe and stay flirty, friends!
Happy dirty talking!